Yes. This is a Valentine’s Day edition of Waves Podcast. And yes. It’s still me hosting.
In this bonus episode, I wanted to do something related to love, because that’s kind of what Valentine’s Day is about. Now if you’re a regular around here, you probably remember me talking about this topic a few times recently, with Francis James, Andrew James and Sober, and mentioning every time that I am single. In fact Andrew and I even joked about our complete lack of skills in this area, which was fun but could let you guys think “So what the hell are you gonna tell us if you don’t know anything about it?”.
Good point. I’m not super experienced in relationship, to say the least. BUT. I still think I have a few ideas that might be worth considering. In fact most people would talk about love in the context of a relationship, from a couple’s point of view, and tell you how you can improve things, make it work and so on. Personally, I’d like to do the exact opposite. I’d like to talk about love from a single person’s point of view, and focus on mindset, behaviour, attitude that might help you deal with single life. Cause let’s be honest, that’s all I really know.
Obviously I’ll take a few personal examples but also that of friends, or stuff that me and my guests talked about: Jordan Harry, Nabeelah Munshi, and the other previously cited.
Everybody’s trash, but it’s alright.
This is the title and the heart of this episode, so I feel like I have to start by explaining it a little. First off, it’s a reference to a book by someone I would really love to talk with on the podcast. The book is called Everything’s trash but it’s alright, it’s by Phoebe Robinson and it’s not related to love or anything but I love it so much I thought it was a good way to just talk about it. Done. Now second thing I wanted to say is that it is NOT negative AT ALL. It could be understood that way but I want you to focus on the end: It’s alright.
See having a lot of single friends, guys and girls, who have had bad experiences with relationships – I’m talking girls cheating on guys, guys being jerks… A whole mess – I have heard a lot of complaints from one gender on the other. All my friends are the victims in these stories, the honest ones, the ones who should technically just move on and find someone better than their ex but… It’s a bit more complicated.
Instead of moving on, we all have a period of repressed rage against that person who made us sad, and transfer it towards their whole gender. In my case, spending time talking to a girl who actually had 2 boyfriends already did make me mad against all women for a bit… Which is stupid, of course. While I think that this type of reaction is sort of natural, it doesn’t make it okay at all. Traditionally, I feel like the common sentence used to be “Men are trash” because men used to be able to do what they wanted to do without being judged way more than women. I mean it’s still the case now, but I think that feminism is starting to affect the way women behave, and that they are finally starting to be equal to men in society. I mean it takes time for people’s mindsets to change and actually acknowledge that fact – which seems obvious to most of us – but it is on its way. As a result, they can now act how they want. Do what they want.
Does that mean feminism is bad for love? NO. A friend of mine recently sent me an article which had very obviously been written by a frustrated sexist dude that explained how women are now more powerful than men because they are now able to work and don’t rely on them anymore. I mean I’m trying to sum it up but the idea was that things were better before because women had to settle with a guy to be able to live. That’s f*cking dumb, of course, but it does prove that things are changing, and that men are not able to control relationships anymore, causing some to react and write articles like this. Yeah, now women are allowed to do what they want, they can be trash too, and that’s great.
Well bare with me. Men could do what they want and not women, so some men were “trash” and women suffered. Now things are getting balanced and everybody can do what they want and be a jerk. Now Everybody’s trash, or CAN BE trash, which means that things are finally fair. It might be new for men but it’s actually just the way human beings as a whole work: some don’t want the same things as others, and will screw you up in due time. Some people are bad, some aren’t. But it’s not defined by gender anymore.
Although you might suffer more if you’re not lucky, it also means that nobody’s forced to stay with someone who disrespects them. A super cool girl might have been “forced” to be with a jerk in the past, but now she can do what she wants. So if you are a super cool guy you technically have more chance to find your match, no?
What’s “trash” anyway?
That’s another thing I wanted to talk about. Who decides who’s trash anyway? This word is just based on your own personal opinion which differs from that person’s own view of things. It doesn’t mean someone’s bad, it just means they’re not the right for you. Maybe someone would love a more “free” relationship, or whatever else. The problem is more that you need to make sure of what each other wants and see if it’s an actual “match”. Not just a tinder match based on your Facebook likes and profile pictures. See?
That brings me to my second part: Self love. You need to take time to think about what you want, focus on how you feel and be cool with yourself before looking for someone to spend your time with. That includes all kind of things. It’s about well-being, peace of mind, self-love and all that. It’s basically just finding yourself before searching for someone. It makes total sense to me, and I do subscribe to the idea that you can’t build on unsafe foundations. First you have to prepare yourself and only then you’ll be able to look for more.
Another topic I find interesting is that you need to accept your single life to actually get out of it. What I mean by that is that, as Sober and I mentionned a few weeks ago, you shouldn’t try to find someone just because you have to. You shouldn’t feel like you are forced to do it socially to be accomplished. The norm is being single, not with someone you don’t like. Jordan Harry also talked about his girlfriend who needed him to be alright in her life, and how bad that was for their relationship. They ended up breaking up for this precise reason: she wasn’t able to live on her own, she didn’t have those stable foundations and had already starting building a relationship on it.
Finally, a word on confidence. Many guys complain that women like anybody with confidence and that only a-holes are completely confident in themselves… And there’s some truth to that. First, yeah women like confident guys, because we all do. Again, it’s not about gender. If we’re being honest we all love confident people who seem like they know who they are, what they want, unstoppable, blablabla. Also, yes, those a-holes are confident because they have never ever questionned themselves, doubted, or anything like that, which could mean that they are more likely to find a girl than “normal” guys. Again, “normal” isn’t the right word but you get it, like, “average guys” or something like that. But does that mean these average guys can’t become as confident as a-holes? NO. They actually can! And how? Well by doing everything I mentioned above, working on themselves, introspection, knowing who they are. They don’t need to fake a super manly man persona, they just need to figure out who they are and be honest about it. Then confidence will grow and hopefully help find the right person!
Okay I know that this might be more helpful for men and seem like a dude’s article but it is really not. Although I’m using mostly guy’s experiences, I want you girls to noticed what’s written between the lines here. Everything I just said also applies to girls, concerning confidence and introspection etc. AND you can add to this the fact that it is now okay to behave the way they want without feeling judged. I know having sex used to be seen as something good for a guy and bad for a girl but it is DIFFERENT NOW. You can be who you want to be even more than before so please, take that into account as you try and figure out what you want right now. If you just want sex it’s fine, say it, maybe guys will be into it and maybe they won’t, and same goes for guys. I really believe that this whole “People are trash” mostly comes from a lack of communication and that if nobody was scared to be judged they wouldn’t feel like they have to lie.
Okay now that’s officially the longest article I’ve ever written here, but it’s still like 50% of what I said in this episode of the podcast, so if you made it this far you should probably consider having a listen on iTunes, Spotify, iHeartRadio , YouTube and all the other podcast platforms… And don’t forget to leave a review on Apple Podcasts or iTunes too! 😉